Neji's Bad Day
by Seashells1000
Summary: It was a simple mission, really: All he had to do was get some concert tickets and a bottle of sake. But we both know that didn't happen. A crack fic.


_My appreciation of crack-fics are going THROUGH THE DAMN ROOF for some reason! So without further ado, here's ... whatever it's called! Rated T for my potty mouth._

* * *

"Neji-kun, you said you weren't going to sleep! Stop being such a lazy ass!" The loud voice jolted him from his meditation.

"I wasn't sleeping, Tenten. I was merely meditating." The Hyuga prodigy corrected her. This only seemed to enrage the weapon's mistress. She pulled a kunai from her pack.

"Get the hell up, or you're dead meat!"

"When did you develop such a foul mouth, Tenten-san?" Neji nimbly dodged Tenten's many attempts to stick him with a kunai, and cleverly avoided the murderous look in her eye.

"Lady Tsunade needs you, Neji." Tenten said through gritted teeth. Neji grabbed Tenten's arm, stopping her kunai in mid-swing.

"Then I must go." He was gone in a flash. Tenten growled at his retreating figure.

"So you wanna play _that _fucking game, huh, Neji?" Tenten unceremoniously stuffed the kunai back into her bag. "I'll show you what fear is, son."

* * *

Tsunade narrowed her eyes at Neji. "Neji," she motioned to the prodigy with a finger. "I need you to go on a mission." Neji quickly schooled his face into one of indifference (as always), but the Hyuga was doing tiny flips inwardly. _It's about damn time. You have a freaking genius on your hands, and not a lazy one either, like Shikamaru. _Man _that guy gets on my nerves. He's the laziest ninja on the planet, yet gets all the damn missio-_

"What type of mission?"

"An S-ranked mission. A top-secret S-ranked movie. One of utmost importance," Tsunade laced her fingers together and set her rock-hard gaze on the Hyuga. "Which means that if you fail you're fucking dead, kiddo." Neji audibly gulped. "Hai."

"Might I ask... what am I supposed to be doing?"

"You're supposed to be getting... the daimyo... some concert tickets to Kumo Perry's concert. We -they- need 5 of them by tonight. I'm giving you the _whole damn day _to get those tickets, so don't screw it up, Neji." She threw some yen He nodded.

"Dismissed."

Neji turned to leave, but was stopped by Tsunade once again. "And also, Neji, go get me some sake."

•.•●•۰• ••.•

He decided to go get the concert tickets first. He could easily get the sake afterwards, he figured. But as soon as he got to the line, he blanched. Why the hell was Kumo Perry so popular? _Have half the people in this line even been to Kumo? _He stepped in line. So far, so good. But not for long.

"Hey! Neji! Good to see you!" Karin adjusted her glasses an batted her eyelashes at him. He raised an eyebrow. "You are...?"

Karin guffawed as if it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. "Karin Uzumaki. You should be able to tell by the, uh, red hair. Anyway, are you free this weekend?" She flipped her crimson locks over her shoulder. Neji was about to politely tell her to fuck off when another redhead popped in.

"Karin-san," The golden-eyed girl wearing a Kumo flak jacket asked. "Did I just hear you say that all redheads are Uzumakis?" Karin nodded.

"I am under the allusion of such." She tweaked her glasses and put on a professional voice. The Kumo kunoichi fingered her own hair. "By that logic, would you consider _me_ an Uzumaki?" Karin furrowed her brow.

"By that logic... I suppose so." The Kumo girl whooped and jumped in the air. "I'm Karui, by the way." She told Neji and Karin.

"Cool." At this point, Neji couldn't care less about anything, much less some kunoichi's name.

"Well, I'm going to go back to my spot in line. See ya!" Karui pranced all the way down to the front of the line.

All of a sudden, the cogs in his brain were turning full-speed.

He had deduced that he was the 327th person in line using his Byakugan, and that Karui was the 9th. The prodigy gracefully sidestepped Karin and headed towards Karui.

"Yo, Karui-chan!" Neji waved, an air of false cheeriness around him. Karui was oblivious.

"Hey, Neji-kun! Dattebayo!" No. She most certainly was _not _an Uzumaki, and saying 'dattebayo' didn't make her such. Neji stepped in line behind her and engaged her in conversation. Mission: Accomplished. But not for long.

_"Hey!"_ A weak voice cried out behind him. He turned around to see Granny Chiyo, looking extremely miffed.

"Chiyo-baasama," He began, but she was having none of that. "You just cut! No cuts, no buts, no coconuts!" She cried, flinging a wrinkled finger in Neji's face. Neji looked around to see if anyone had heard, but nobody stirred. He leaned in to talk to the retired woman.

"I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but I'm on an S-rank mission." He confided in her. She laughed sarcastically. "Like I'm supposed to believe that the Slug Princess sent you on a mission to get some fucking Kumo Perry tickets." It did sound ridiculous, now that he had said it aloud.

"Listen-"

"Say another word to me and I'll scream."

"But-"

The ex-counsellor of Suna let out an ear-shattering wail. Immediately, ABNU forces were swarming around the Hyuga, trying to pin his arms down as he fought uselessly. Karui looked on in horror. Neji was forcibly dragged to the prisons.

"That's right! Don't drop the soap, BITCH!"

* * *

The prodigy banged his head against the wall. Over and over. Life was misery, and misery was hell. Was he losing his edge? This mission would've taken him twenty minutes on a good day, but now he was in jail. While Neji was wallowing in self-pity, who came to bail him out but the Hokage herself, robes rustling around her as she tsk-tsked and signed paperwork.

She pried the steel bars of the holding cell apart, not waiting for the guard to open the door. "Hyuga," she spat, yanking him out of the lockup. "You had _one _fucking job... wait, no, _two _fucking jobs, if you count the sake that should've taken you _2 seconds _to get."

"My apologies, Tsunade-sama." Neji bowed. "It won't happen again."

"You're right. It won't." she jerked him by the collar. "Go get those tickets." Neji was out the door before she could even finish. Maybe he could get to the stand before it closed, or the line got too long. It didn't even matter if the line was long; he could meditate while he waited. He felt strangely calm, for the first time that day. But not for long.

She was darting through the streets, and so was he, so it only made sense that they collided. That's like Newton's Law or something.

The impact pushed Neji a foot back. About 10 golden slips fell out of her purse, which she hurried to grab. Neji caught the name on one of them: Kumo Perry.

Aw yiss.

"Sumimasen," Neji started, helping the lady up. He deduced she was a civilian, based on several subtle clues Neji picked up from her body language. And the fact that she wasn't wearing a hitai-ate. She also seemed to be a couple years older than him.

"Sumimasen to you, too." She smiled at him. Neji grabbed a handful of the slips. "Why so many tickets?"

Immediately the woman's face drooped. "I'm taking my stepfamily to the concert, even though I fucking _know_ that Daichi-kun doesn't listen to pop music, but he wants to go, so let me burn through my own yen for him and his family..." She trailed off, silently fuming. She quickly stopped when she felt Neji's white eyes burning holes into her.

"I didn't mean to go off like that, it's just that-"

"You don't hate your family, but the things they do annoy you to no end?" Neji finished her sentence. Story of his life: Being a branch member fucking sucks.

She sighed and nodded. "You can relate?" Neji solemnly nodded.

"Yeah. In fact, my grandfather beats me constantly. I'm afraid to be in his presence, but recently he asked me to get him 5 Kumo Perry tickets for him and his poker friends, but I don't have much money, and I couldn't afford it..." Neji trailed off and sniffled for good measure. It worked; he didn't need to activate is Byakugan to know her heart was melting for him.

"I'm so sorry! Uh, here," The civilian took 5 of the tickets out of her purse and shoved them into his hand. "My family can suck it." Neji bowed deeply.

"Domo arigato," Neji shook her hand. "My name is Neji."

"My name is Kathy. And Neji, if things get too rough at home... give me a call." She scribbled her digits down on the back of a sixth concert ticket, which she also handed to him. He waved and left.

_Kathy... what kind of shit name is that?_

•.•●•۰• ••.•

Neji pushed through the doors of the 7/11, and felt the blood drain from his face. There was Karui and Naruto, standing on the checkout table, preaching about the history of the proud Uzumaki. _Naruto_, of all people, should've known that the kunoichi standing next to him was not related to him in any way. But there they stood, conversing with Genma (well, if you could call it conversing; they were basically hurling untrue things at him while he comtemplated quitting his job). They were also blocking the goddamn check-out.

That's why Neji snapped.

"AARGH!" Everyone at the store sent bemused looks his way, but he was way past the point of caring. He grabbed a bottle of Konoha's Finest and made his way to the front of the store.

"Neji! Did you know that _all _Uzumaki are capable of Rasengan?" Naruto asked, standing directly in front of the prodigy.

He shamelessly pushed Naruto and Karui off of the counter and shoved the bottle into Genma's face.

"Ring this up," He growled. Genma, surprised at the stoic Hyuga's outburst, quickly rung up the sake and pushed the bottle back to Neji. Without taking his receipt and without a thank you, he stalked out of the store and checked his watch. _9:23_, and according to the ticket, the concert started at 10:00. Just fucking great.

* * *

He got to the Hokage's office at 9:45, and sighed in relief. He actually got all of his chores done. He pressed on the door and allowed him in.

Then he was drowning.

Water invaded all his senses, pouring down his face and into his mouth, ruining his signature hairdo, and...

_the tickets._

He looked down at the ugly, now-brown tickets in his hand. They were now nothing more than a thick paste. He looked up to see an audience of the 5 Kages, all watching him and the damaged tickets he held in his hand. Then, he felt a presence behind him. He turned and saw Tenten behind him, dancing and cheering. "I got you back for this morning, you _fucking asshole!_" She gave him a shit-eating grin and put her fist in the air. "Suck a bag of dicks, Hyuga!" She ran around the room, giving each of the Kage an audible high-five. She was loving this too much.

Neji fell to his knees and let out another ear-shattering caterwaul.

"If there is a loving god somewhere, _anywhere, _smite me now! Please!" He pounded on the wooden floor. And just like that, Tenten wasn't feeling so great about her victory anymore.

"You okay, Neji-kun?" She said hesitantly. He responded by raising his head and glaring at her.

"No I am most certainly _not _okay! I had one job... wait, no, _two fucking jobs_, and I screwed the fuck out of one of them!" He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose.

"I have failed the daimyo!"

"No you haven't. Get off the floor, Neji." Tsunade motioned for Neji to stand. "You obviously aren't as smart as I thought if you actually believed those tickets were for the daimyo. The obviously don't like Kumo Perry, and in fact prefer Kumo Rae Jepsen. And I can see by the look on your face that you don't fucking get it, although it's the most overused trope in the book."

Neji stared at her with blank eyes.

"The concert tickets were for us!" The Mizukage gestured wildly to the Kage.

"Guilty," Gaara said. The Tsuchikage nodded. "Same."

"I have all her albums!" the Raikage gushed.

"Oh...oh," Neji cursed himself, Tsunade, Tenten, and a whole handful of people that had strived to make his day a nightmare and succeeded. It didn't matter who the tickets were for, anyway. At this point, he was thinking of ways to kill himself. Nobody would care, right? After all, he _was _dead in the manga.

"And Neji, how exactly did you get those tickets? Because a lady by the foolish name of Kathy keeps calling and wants to file a child abuse complaint. For you. Explain?" Tsunade crossed her arms.

He didn't have a chance to process that before a huge amount of chakra knocked him backwards.

Neji and Tenten were hurled full-force into the Gokage, while tons of book and papers rained down around them, making the room look like the Land of Snow. Standing in the doorway was Karui, with a perfect Rasengan whirring in her fingertips.

"Don't you ever knock me down again, Hyuga!" She leaped at Neji with murderous intent in her eye. If she _was _an Uzumaki, he was glad they weren't around anymore: she was one crazy fuck. Hell, his _whole day _was one crazy fuck.

* * *

_Author's note:_

_Wow! Kind of short, but fun to write. Rate and Review, my pretties!_


End file.
